This Is Not My Home

I should be asleep, but the to-do task ninjas have been running rampant in my brain taking random and frequent shots at my sleep center so.... I'm awake. I thought if I could get one of the 'lappers' off the track that is my constant thought process, perhaps I would catch a couple more winks than usual.

If you have ever placed either of your feet in a church then you are probably familiar with the phrase "this is not my home". I have had comprehension of this concept since I was a young child.

The meaning, obviously, is that earth is not my true place to be, merely a stop to do God's work, experience the joys that are human life, gain wisdom and perspective, invest in others, and then, in the assurance of Christ, on to heaven a.k.a. home.

While I have understood and gleaned joy from this truth for many years I have never had as deep an understanding of it as I do now.

Marc has been gone for roughly 5 1/2 months now. We (the boys and I) have been graciously accepted and welcomed into his parents' house and my parents' house. We have every amenity necessary and then some. We are warm, fed, comfortable, happy and (truth be told) a little spoiled with so many wonderful people looking after us!

But this is not my home.

Desmond was able to articulate in words what I had known in my heart since we started this transition period: "Mom, do you know we don't have a home? We have Gramps' house and Grandpa's house, but those are not our home."

My home is with Marc. Desmond's home is with his Dad. This transition time, while warm, inviting, content, full, and enjoyable is merely that - a transition - we will go onto something else, something better. Our boys now count down the days to our "soldier home" (less than 15!).

And yet it is distinctly bittersweet. I am anxious to go but not anxious to leave. I have family here, friends here, a way of life here, history here ... but I tell you this: the promise of our family being whole again is enough to make me drop it all in a heart beat in order to "go home".  I love Marc so much that I would give it all just to be with him.

So, too, my life in this world. I am anxious to go but not anxious to leave. I have family here, friends here, Marc here, children here ... the bittersweetness overwhelms me ... would I really drop it all in a heartbeat to go home? My faith says yes! My duties (mom, wife, friend) says there is still much to do!

This concept has challenged me. In the end, it is my children that make me hesitant. So powerful a tie we have to nurture and keep safe the miracles that God blessed us with! I know that if I hopped the Heaven Express tomorrow Marc, my family/friends (and my cat) would eventually be fine. I would be missed (I hope!) but they would find a way of life again. My children, on the other hand, would have lost their mother. Something irreplaceable. This is what leads me to pray for longer life every day. To be allowed to complete the task that God set before me in rearing the children he bestowed to me and Marc.

I don't think I would be able to one day just choose to leave my kids and husband in exchange for an early ticket to heaven. I don't think God would want me to. He has specifically designated certain tasks to me that will keep me on this earth until complete. I also know that God cares more about my children and their outcome than I ever could. There is no sin in loving life and those in it, until we we love it/them more than we love our Maker (there is the fundamental challenge of this concept).

My conclusion? I trust that when Christ does show His face to end my time here on earth (when my tasks are complete) His presence will be overwhelming and I will know, in that presence, no lack of trust for what I leave behind so I will gladly go home.

Till then I will be ecstatic making my earthly home with a man whom I adore and respect more than any other and two bundles of unpredictable, easily excitable, always noisy, unprecedented, joy.

And I'll keep feeding the cat.

An Update

I am extremely embarrassed by how long it has been since I've blogged. I am sure, by now, whatever small faithful audience I did have, has since found better things to do with their time than check on a dusty blog.

However, in an attempt to reawaken the weekly habit of keeping our families and friends up-to-date on the Marc and Jill saga (and now Des and Jax saga). I got a bee in my bonnet tonight to test out the ol' blogging talent and see what happens.

There are two reasons that I haven't blogged. The first is, as always, we are BUSY! Not only busy because I have a (now) 3 year old and 4 year old but we are going to be moving.... all the way across the country. The thought of all our stuff arriving in a new home some 2300 miles away with out organization has scared me into the (seemingly) endless process of sorting, organizing, tossing and shredding. I realized that Marc and I had very effectively, in the name of 'just in case', retained every piece of important paper since before 1998! Sheesh. The end result has been refreshing and frustrating, knowing that I only did the first part of the process. Since we are coming down to the wire on time before departure the second part of the process will have to wait till we settle in our home. I will try to remember to post when it is finished as I know you all will be waiting with baited breath till my files are completely purged and organized.

Interestingly enough, this process has found many old sentimental items that have reignited my memories of days that were. Letters and cards from families and friends that were as good to my soul as a warm cup of comfort coffee. What fun to read of past events and to hear compliments given years ago. Apparently I helped with a lot of weddings. Also, some sad things: funeral bulletins from family, friends and loved ones that I was fortunate to care for in the hospital. All made me a little bit more thankful today and I kissed my boys a few extra times as I relished our quiet talk time before sleep.  All in all I have been extremely blessed by the people God has put in my life and I am thankful for each of them and hope to cross paths again with as many as possible.

The second reason I have not posted: Marc has been gone. While you would think that this would make me document life more carefully and thoroughly, I have found the opposite to be true for me. I love taking pictures and videos of my kids but somehow, in this season,  the memory then includes the fact that Marc was not there and that saddens me and so.... I have not been as good at picture taking and video recording. Something I have remedied in the last few weeks once I realized why. Once Marc got access to internet and texting on his phone I was better at sending him pictures but the ease of the phone camera is so tempting compared to a 'real' camera.

I digress. Rambling.

For now our plans are to be in Georgia by the end of the month (Marc is currently still in training and will report to Georgia before the boys and I). I have quit my part time job and am focussing on preparing and planning for our adventure. We have a long cross country trek to make and I am already praying for traveling mercies, clean hotels and a cat who will be content to stay put and not try to bolt! I would appreciate your prayers for us, as well. We are blessed with many friends along the path that have already invited us in to stay for a night or two as we slowly make our way to our First Duty Station with the Army.

A couple of pictures for you because, let's be honest, pictures of the kids makes any blog post infinitely better. =) Blessings to you.

 Playing with the bubble booth at Denver Children's Museum.

 I put a balloon up his shirt and he thought it was hilarious.

 Desmond's completed project thanks to U.Justin and A.Erin's help.

 Making Valentine's Treats with Grandma.

The mildest winter that Montana has had since I have been in the state but we still have had a couple of great snow days. The boys have a Gramps who readily dons his coveralls and boots to go gallivanting around in a winter wonderland. Which leaves Mama inside to take pictures and assemble/disassemble little boys' winter gear. I s'pose our gear will be looking a little different for the next few years.